Friday, November 6, 2009

Love Is...





Conquering Hurt.







We all hurt our loved ones from time to time. And we've all been hurt by our loved ones, too, I imagine. We may not realize it. And certainly, we may not intend to inflict such hurt, but the fact remains, we do it as much as they do it to us. When we're the recipient of that hurt, we have a choice to make, let it fester so that it becomes destructive to our relationship, or we can chose to conquer it--give our loved one the benefit of the doubt by entering into discussion. I say conquer instead of forgive in this case, because these are hurts we incur when forgiveness isn't really a part of the equation.

It could be as simple as a shrug offered when something seems insignificant to one, but is definitely not so minute to the other. Or it could even come as the result of a smile offered at just the wrong moment. The shrugger and smiler are oblivious to the recipients feelings and how it would affect them at the time, of course, but does the recipient recognize that? No way.

This week, my dear hubby mentioned in passing that our oldest daughter had asked him to take her to a post-secondary information night at her school. He smiled proudly, content that he'd been asked. But from my end of the short-lived conversation, all I saw was gloating.

She'd picked him over me, once again, to spend one-on-one time with, and he seemed more than pleased with what seemed to me a victory yet again for him. I was hurt. Not only that my daughter had managed to use this scenario to snub me yet one more time (intentionally or otherwise), but that my husband appeared to have no reservations about it at all. Clearly, to him, it seemed emotions should have no play in this. He was asked. He said yes. Informed me of the event. End of story.

Hello! No end of story for this brooding mother. I sulked, got quiet, withdrew, but went about my motherly and wife duties of cooking, chauffeuring, laundering, etc. all with a heavy heart. Then I got smart, and decided to conquer this hurt.

Ever suck that golf ball down your throat and just spit out your hurt? (As politely as possible, of course.)

Well, I did.

And you know what?

Hearing it from hubby's perspective gave me a whole new understanding, and the hurt was immediately conquered. No apologies were needed, though they were offered by both, because this hurt came purely from a misunderstanding of a smile (and a whole lot of baggage of emotion on my part).


So, have you had any hurts that needed conquering rather than forgiving lately? How do you conquer yours?

This will be my last Love Is... for at least a while. Why? I'm tired of loving. No, seriously, I like change, and since I'm not getting change through a renovated kitchen, or new bathroom fixtures, I'll get it through my blog. Much cheaper that way. I'm thinking of going with Writing Inspires... on Fridays for a while. What do you think? Would that interest you?

Book Giveaway Reminder: If you haven't commented on my Monday post for a chance to win Patti Lacy's second book, What the Bayou Saw, click here, and comment away if you want to be in the drawing. The more the merrier.



Surrendering to Him,

Eileen

27 comments:

Jody Hedlund said...

Hi Eileen,
I think that's the way it is with most misunderstandings--a little communication is all it takes to smooth things out! Glad you were able to do that!

And great progress this week on NaNo! Keep up the progress! I'm proud of you!

I can always hear your voice now as I read your blog posts! I'm so glad we had the chance to meet at ACFW!

Jessica said...

Conquering hurt is tough. Good for you for doing it! I admire you for sharing so openly about this.
It's hard for me to conquer hurt. I tend to brood too.
Loved your image of a golf ball. LOL

Tamika: said...

This has been a great series, I gleaned alot from your sincerity and heart.

"Love covers a multitude of sins." That scripture speaks volumes in my marriage.

Those golf balls slid right down after that.

Rebecca Nazar said...

Time and distance works for me--lots!

sherrinda said...

I'm a brooder when it comes to hurts. I take things so personally. But, kuddos to you for conquering the hurt! :)

As for change, I have loved her Love series, but I like change. I am always changing my hair! lol

Journaling Woman said...

I think we are harder on our loved ones than we are to strangers on the street.

Great post!

Joanne said...

Talk, talk, talk. I find that sitting down and opening a dialogue, clears the air best! With coffee, of course. And maybe a piece of chocolate cake to help that golf ball?

Katie Ganshert said...

Oh, Eileen, I snorted out loud with the "because I'm tired of loving" comment. Thanks for the laugh! I could so totally hear you saying that. I'm excited to read your new Friday posts, although I will mist the Love is series! :)

Georgiana said...

I've really enjoyed your Love Is series. It reminds me to be patient and think of others first. Your heart really comes through! I will also enjoy your writing series, but know that you have touched many people with this one!

Faith said...

Talking it out is always the best way to solve misunderstandings...

And you know what? Change is good, even in small ways like a blog post once a week. I'll look forward to seeing the new topic :)

T. Anne said...

Great post. I do think it's the road to hell is perhaps paved with miscommunication. Honestly, I've seen it sooo much.

Jill Kemerer said...

You're right. It's easy to misinterpret someone's, or our own, reaction to an event. A similar scenario happened to me this week. Thanks for the insight.

Wendy @ All in a Day's Thought said...

Interesting way of looking at this and yes, I've had to conquer hurt. I cracked up at your "I'm tired of loving" joke. I feel that way sometimes. :D
~ Wendy

Erica Vetsch said...

Have a wonderful weekend, Eileen!

Anna said...

Lovely post! Since I'm new to the scene, change is good!

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Communication is so important; it can clear so many things up! Have a great weekend!

Julie Dao said...

I'm a really sensitive person and a grudge holder as well, so your situation really resonated with me. Sometimes even though I know the person didn't intend to hurt me, it's hard to get over it. It's so great that you moved past it and communicated with your family. I'm sure your daughter didn't mean to hurt you :) I know my mom has been hurt many times and I had no idea what I had said or done until she told me. Thanks for this post, it really spoke to me.

I hope you have a great weekend!

Keli Gwyn said...

Eileen, I'm guilty of reading too much into a look, a gesture, a comment. So often my take on things is off-base. Gwynly and I have learned to talk through these misunderstandings, and I actually catch myself sometimes these days and seek clarification before making those "assumptions" that get me in trouble.

I'm looking forward to your inspiring new series.

Susan R. Mills said...

I definitely think it's important to conquer. I've found when I just forgive, things begin piling up and I tend to be upset by things I normally wouldn't be. I love the new idea and the new pic of you. You are beautiful.

Tara said...

Open communication can work well when we can remember to be logical and not emotional. Going into it with emotions can lead to one person (or more) getting defensive, which can escalate the original issue. If you aren't ready to hear and accept the other's point of view, it can be a disaster. Great post. Have a great weekend.

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

Hi Eileen -

I like I Corinthians 13, the love chapter. My late hubby and I used that as the theme scripture for our marriage.

Keeping our hearts open to each other and the Lord is essential. A hard heart is difficult to soften.

Blessings,
Susan :)

Stephanie Faris said...

I think Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus said it best. Sometimes it's best just to write your feelings out on paper, then let your loved one read them when he's more receptive to them. Often, though, I've found my concerns are really petty once I put them on paper.

Terri Tiffany said...

I agree--misunderstandings are the cause of most hurts. Learning to get over them and forget it aren't always easy but we are happier when we do:)) I struggled with this last week with someone who didn't act the way I thought she should. When I let it go, I felt better but it is easy to pick it back up too!

Paula said...

Powerful post!

Amy De Trempe said...

Hurting and being hurt can happen so easily and innocently, especially when there is a male and a female, who look at things so differently. Gald you were able to work it out. I like change to. Writing Inspires sounds interesting.

Warren Baldwin said...

I think your "love is" posts have been very, very good. You could actually turn these into a larger writing project, Eileen.

Kara said...

I love this post. I used to hold on to my resentment and it would eat at me and my marriage. I try really hard now to just let it go or to try to be more open. It's amazing what a difference it makes:) Thanks for the reminder!